the return

So I am back. Getting here was a wee bit of a nightmare though. On the flight over I sat next to an elderly (I think Korean) man. He not only took about ten minutes to sit down, therefore blocking the whole plane trying to board, but he also took over the whole goddamn arm rest. I don’t mean he took the armrest and left me to my seat. He jutted his fucking elbow out so that I was basically hanging over the edge of the aisle in danger of being taken out by bitchy stewardesses with their carts of pig slop. I was in such a bad mood that I couldn’t sleep the whole way. The one nice thing I will say about him is that he FUCKING FARTED THE WHOLE FLIGHT. No nice things. Only hate. On the plus side I watched three movies: Cedar Rapids, Moneyball, and Sideways. Cedar Rapids was a little disappointing. Basically everything funny was in the trailer. Moneyball was really boring. It was the slowest sports movie I’ve ever watched. Sideways was a little more depressing than I remember it being. However, the argument over ordering merlot was still just as funny. Wow, sorry for that really boring movie review, but I’m too lazy to go back and delete it. NO! WE MOVE FORWARD ONLY! (shout out to my companions in space). Getting through customs was a breeze. Side note, I just devoured a thing of tabouli (poulet grillé DUHHH). It’s just as good as I remember. Anyways, so baggage claim was a carnival of freaks. My favorite was the bootylicious woman wearing her juicy across the ass sweat suit. Also, her hair was so nasty. It looked like one of those Halloween witches wigs that get all tangled and disgusting. Then she turned around and I swear to God I thought I was staring at the cat lady (Jocelyn whats-her-face). I had some problems getting on the RER. I thought that I could change money at the RER station, but I forgot that there is nothing but a Relay and ticket machines that don’t take American credit cards. That is one thing I wish we would catch up on. Can we just get those damn chips in our cards so that we can use them abroad!?!?!? I swear every other country I’ve been to has those. I had to get back on the tram and find a money exchange. It’s always startling changing money, because you get back so little. It’s sad. Also, euros are so small you feel like you have NOTHING in your pocket. MONOPOLY MONEY! When I got on the RER it was like coming home to an old friend. I forgot how ugly and gross it is. I also got lucky enough to sit in the car with a woman who had a box of what had to be rotting fish, because it smelled so badly. Then of course the dopey Asian tourist girl sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME. I don’t understand people’s perception of available space. Literally, the whole entire car is open and she sits next to me. The ride was nostalgic, hitting all my old stops. As soon as we got to Châtelet, the waft of that sickly sweet cheap cologne that every greasy street rat in Paris seems to wear hit my nose. I knew I was home. HA! When I got to Madame’s finally, I realized that I had technically told her I would be arriving YESTERDAY. I’m an idiot, and I didn’t account for the time change. WOOPS! Thankfully she was home (I think I woke her up), and super lucky, Demitrii was here too! HAHAHAHAHAH. Also, he was sleeping in my bed….awk. I literally fell asleep and didn’t wake up again until 4pm. Pathetic. So my first day in Paris has been spent in CDG, the RER, and bed. I did just leave to find an Internet café to send the Big Kimchee and P.master Hoge. I obvi had to stop at Monoprix to get food, because I hadn’t eaten anything all day. Which is how we get back to the huge thing of tabouli. YAY IT MAKES SENSE! I also bought myself a bottle of the finest 1euro vintage to stun myself into 8 more hours of sleep tonight. Plan is to wake up TRET TÔT and hit the musées! Another side note: I started reading the actual Hunger Games (not just my sad version of fat girl games in Sadler) and I am NERDING OUT. I bought the first one to read on the plane, but I finished it that night. I bought the second one at Hudson News for TWENTY FUCKING DOLLARS. That’s so many drinks….if you’re drinking Rainier. BUT STILL SO MANY DRINKS! I didn’t let myself buy the third one, but now I wish I had. The second one barely got me to Philly. I have the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo to read now, but it is going very slowly. Rachel likes it though, so I’m trying to read it. Four years together…you wouldn’t believe how quickly you run out of things to talk about. Speaking of four, I had a four-hour dinner with Madame. Topics this evening ranged from the horrendous tranny Barbie doll who lived with her last semester to fortified medieval castles in France. Typical evening. I’m dying from exhaustion even though I’ve only been up for a few hours. I’m a fucking sloth. Sloth woman out.