BLACK SWAN

i am the black swan. not in the strictly ballet sense in the film natalie portman is a psycho bitch sense. not to gross you all out but i literally had some sort of skin issue that was starting to resemble her feather sprouting. it was a running joke with my friends until it became an actual problem and i realized it was literally all over my body. it came time for me to see a doctor. un medecin. i talked to my director and she scheduled an appt for me for (drumroll) VALENTINES DAYYYYYY! the perk was i got to miss class. so i rolled up to the doctor completely flipping out bc i was nervous to be going to a french doctor and explaining my nasty to her. on top of that i had no idea how it all worked. if you didnt know this, to get into buildings here you have to like enter in codes and push weird buttons that look like doorbells and all this shit. its a fucking nightmare if youre not used to it. so i was flustered just getting into the fucking fortress of a building but then i just came upon a silent room with a few frenchies sitting around. i had to call my director again to be like...um do i just sit here or is there someplace i check in. turns out you just sit. to make things worse i thought i was gonna have a lady doc but she was on fucking vacation so a dude was subbing for her. not just a dude. he turned out to be the FUCKING HOTTEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD WTF IS MY LIFE. so i had to explain to this man who was a combo of robert pattinson/josh duhamel that i was breaking out in a full body rash. he quickly realized that i was french retarded and started speaking to me in perfect english. o ya and he has family in seattle. destiny? duh. except for that little gold ring on his left hand. anyways he was really funny too which just made me laugh like some demented 16 year old girl as i was sweating profusely from the anxiety. then came the actual examination. he was like....can you take off your sweater. all im thinking is...fuck i hope i shaved my armpits today. thankfully i had so no worries. then he was looking at my chest examining it then he decided to gently pull down my tank to see how far the nasty went. in doing so he placed his hands directly on my boobs which directly caused my face to explode. then the kicker of the whole shit show. ummm maybe you should take off your jeans? 1. i was wearing not very presentable undies aka dr lips (O YA HIS LAST NAME IS LIPS TRY AND NOT MAKE SOME SORT OF QUIP ABOUT THAT SHIT) would see my lady parts which i wasnt ready for. call me old fashioned. 2. i hadnt shaved my legs in about 23905723985398579823479823749 years. whatever was left of my face disintegrated from the heat radiating through my cheeks and it rushed down my neck until i was standing there wanting to die. i mumbled something that probably came out in my long forgotten korean and quickly pulled up the legs of my jeans to show him instead of having to pull them down. the appointment wrapped up quickly after that but in conclusion my black swan turned out to be...psoriasis. now psoriasis is gross. and its 1. caused by stress 2. genetic 3. incurable. thankfully i dont have the kind that turns into "plaque" if you wanna know i dare you to look it up but basically when im stressed out i turn into an evil swan queen thanks to momma kim...omg that explains my entire childhood. basically he prescribed me hyrdocortisone in ridiculous quantities and some crazy strong lotion. best part of it all is that i get to put it on with gloves. i had to go to the pharmacy to get all of this shit and she looked at me like i was some pervert. and to be honest i feel like some sort of perv having to lather myself up with fucking gloves. its some dexter shit (thanks for the reference hunter). thankfully my evil twin has started to subside and im looking less....disgusting. i have to go back to see dr lips in a few weeks though. hopefully i can not act like a subhuman when i see him again although hes probably already written a prescription for a mental institution.
ANYWAYS TALKING ABOUT MORE NORMAL STUFF INSTEAD OF GROSS BODILY FUNCTIONSSSS
paris. its cold. im cold. and my lady doesnt put on the heat. its fine though im practicing being russian for when i NEVER go to russia. i love everything about living with her. Mme cooks me dinner every night with every course (so french) and leaves me a cute little brekkie every morning. She touches up my room to make it more homey and shes just generally the sweetest lady ever. new grandma? oui. we always have hilarious dinner convos (not necessarily intentionally) but theyre so random. tonight we talked about how her son cant cut the umbilical cord. hes like....36? hahahahah he comes over every day almost to shower and eat and stuff. so awk. her granddaughter hasnt been back in a while but her name is alex and shesssss da best. such a funny little girl. the other morning she was crying for her grandma (who couldnt hear her) so i went into her room to get her and the first thing she said to me was..."j'ai perdu mes chaussettes" aka i lost my socks. haahhahahahahahahah. i laughed so hard. turns out shes only 3. smart as a whip that little girl. ive started classes. already trying to switch professors. mine doesnt teach anything. therefore i want to leave. shes useless and i didnt come all the way to fucking paris to not learn french. weve spent the last THREE classes reading a TWO page article. im sorry but im used to reading at least 50 pages a night in french in preparation for class. im not complaining at the lack of work but still. lets move it along a little faster non? ive realized that i have a LOT of class time but outside of class i only do MAXIMUM an hour of work. that hour is also divided btw facebook and ichat while i do whatever stupid exercises i have. im probably gonna die next semester when i come back. starting next week ill have 2 hours everyday of this grammar class from 10 to 12. every other week i have an hour of phonetics from 1230 to 130. that should be interesting bc i have to run across the city to get to that class from my first one. i timed myself today and i can get there probably in 20 minutes if im fast. for those of you who know paris a little i basically have to go from the area around the pantheon all the way down to a ways past port royal. its not impossible i just dont think ill have time to eat which is so depressing. then every tuesday and wednesday i have my conferences. tuesday im taking french art history (shoot me) and wed i have "paris". i have no idea what that means but i had no other choices. both of these are two hours long from 430 to 630. so basically im going to stab my eyes out on tue and wed every other week. that idiot RACHEL SULLIVAN is coming tomorrow. im not excited at all. she thinks im gonna hang out with her but i think im just gonna leave her stranded in the banlieus by the stadium. bahah id never do that shed never be seen again. sorry for how all over the place this one way but ive sort of lost track of what i actually do with my life while im here. not having class is making my brain rot. whatever im probably just speeding up the process with my frequent stops at happy hour at one of my favorite places BEHO. just....you have to experience to know. the place itself i think isnt all that great but when you have fun people around you it can be the best 3,50 pint youve ever had. or a 4 euro monaco. i probably talk about beho everyday. how pathetic. ANYWAYS ABOUT TO PASS OUT FACEDOWN ON MY PULLOUT COUCHHHHHHHHH. send me emails or something people. but only if i actually like you. if you cant decided if i like you or not...try if you want but dont be offended if i dont respond. BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. BLACK SWAN OUT.