BLACK SWAN

i am the black swan. not in the strictly ballet sense in the film natalie portman is a psycho bitch sense. not to gross you all out but i literally had some sort of skin issue that was starting to resemble her feather sprouting. it was a running joke with my friends until it became an actual problem and i realized it was literally all over my body. it came time for me to see a doctor. un medecin. i talked to my director and she scheduled an appt for me for (drumroll) VALENTINES DAYYYYYY! the perk was i got to miss class. so i rolled up to the doctor completely flipping out bc i was nervous to be going to a french doctor and explaining my nasty to her. on top of that i had no idea how it all worked. if you didnt know this, to get into buildings here you have to like enter in codes and push weird buttons that look like doorbells and all this shit. its a fucking nightmare if youre not used to it. so i was flustered just getting into the fucking fortress of a building but then i just came upon a silent room with a few frenchies sitting around. i had to call my director again to be like...um do i just sit here or is there someplace i check in. turns out you just sit. to make things worse i thought i was gonna have a lady doc but she was on fucking vacation so a dude was subbing for her. not just a dude. he turned out to be the FUCKING HOTTEST DOCTOR IN THE WORLD WTF IS MY LIFE. so i had to explain to this man who was a combo of robert pattinson/josh duhamel that i was breaking out in a full body rash. he quickly realized that i was french retarded and started speaking to me in perfect english. o ya and he has family in seattle. destiny? duh. except for that little gold ring on his left hand. anyways he was really funny too which just made me laugh like some demented 16 year old girl as i was sweating profusely from the anxiety. then came the actual examination. he was like....can you take off your sweater. all im thinking is...fuck i hope i shaved my armpits today. thankfully i had so no worries. then he was looking at my chest examining it then he decided to gently pull down my tank to see how far the nasty went. in doing so he placed his hands directly on my boobs which directly caused my face to explode. then the kicker of the whole shit show. ummm maybe you should take off your jeans? 1. i was wearing not very presentable undies aka dr lips (O YA HIS LAST NAME IS LIPS TRY AND NOT MAKE SOME SORT OF QUIP ABOUT THAT SHIT) would see my lady parts which i wasnt ready for. call me old fashioned. 2. i hadnt shaved my legs in about 23905723985398579823479823749 years. whatever was left of my face disintegrated from the heat radiating through my cheeks and it rushed down my neck until i was standing there wanting to die. i mumbled something that probably came out in my long forgotten korean and quickly pulled up the legs of my jeans to show him instead of having to pull them down. the appointment wrapped up quickly after that but in conclusion my black swan turned out to be...psoriasis. now psoriasis is gross. and its 1. caused by stress 2. genetic 3. incurable. thankfully i dont have the kind that turns into "plaque" if you wanna know i dare you to look it up but basically when im stressed out i turn into an evil swan queen thanks to momma kim...omg that explains my entire childhood. basically he prescribed me hyrdocortisone in ridiculous quantities and some crazy strong lotion. best part of it all is that i get to put it on with gloves. i had to go to the pharmacy to get all of this shit and she looked at me like i was some pervert. and to be honest i feel like some sort of perv having to lather myself up with fucking gloves. its some dexter shit (thanks for the reference hunter). thankfully my evil twin has started to subside and im looking less....disgusting. i have to go back to see dr lips in a few weeks though. hopefully i can not act like a subhuman when i see him again although hes probably already written a prescription for a mental institution.
ANYWAYS TALKING ABOUT MORE NORMAL STUFF INSTEAD OF GROSS BODILY FUNCTIONSSSS
paris. its cold. im cold. and my lady doesnt put on the heat. its fine though im practicing being russian for when i NEVER go to russia. i love everything about living with her. Mme cooks me dinner every night with every course (so french) and leaves me a cute little brekkie every morning. She touches up my room to make it more homey and shes just generally the sweetest lady ever. new grandma? oui. we always have hilarious dinner convos (not necessarily intentionally) but theyre so random. tonight we talked about how her son cant cut the umbilical cord. hes like....36? hahahahah he comes over every day almost to shower and eat and stuff. so awk. her granddaughter hasnt been back in a while but her name is alex and shesssss da best. such a funny little girl. the other morning she was crying for her grandma (who couldnt hear her) so i went into her room to get her and the first thing she said to me was..."j'ai perdu mes chaussettes" aka i lost my socks. haahhahahahahahahah. i laughed so hard. turns out shes only 3. smart as a whip that little girl. ive started classes. already trying to switch professors. mine doesnt teach anything. therefore i want to leave. shes useless and i didnt come all the way to fucking paris to not learn french. weve spent the last THREE classes reading a TWO page article. im sorry but im used to reading at least 50 pages a night in french in preparation for class. im not complaining at the lack of work but still. lets move it along a little faster non? ive realized that i have a LOT of class time but outside of class i only do MAXIMUM an hour of work. that hour is also divided btw facebook and ichat while i do whatever stupid exercises i have. im probably gonna die next semester when i come back. starting next week ill have 2 hours everyday of this grammar class from 10 to 12. every other week i have an hour of phonetics from 1230 to 130. that should be interesting bc i have to run across the city to get to that class from my first one. i timed myself today and i can get there probably in 20 minutes if im fast. for those of you who know paris a little i basically have to go from the area around the pantheon all the way down to a ways past port royal. its not impossible i just dont think ill have time to eat which is so depressing. then every tuesday and wednesday i have my conferences. tuesday im taking french art history (shoot me) and wed i have "paris". i have no idea what that means but i had no other choices. both of these are two hours long from 430 to 630. so basically im going to stab my eyes out on tue and wed every other week. that idiot RACHEL SULLIVAN is coming tomorrow. im not excited at all. she thinks im gonna hang out with her but i think im just gonna leave her stranded in the banlieus by the stadium. bahah id never do that shed never be seen again. sorry for how all over the place this one way but ive sort of lost track of what i actually do with my life while im here. not having class is making my brain rot. whatever im probably just speeding up the process with my frequent stops at happy hour at one of my favorite places BEHO. just....you have to experience to know. the place itself i think isnt all that great but when you have fun people around you it can be the best 3,50 pint youve ever had. or a 4 euro monaco. i probably talk about beho everyday. how pathetic. ANYWAYS ABOUT TO PASS OUT FACEDOWN ON MY PULLOUT COUCHHHHHHHHH. send me emails or something people. but only if i actually like you. if you cant decided if i like you or not...try if you want but dont be offended if i dont respond. BAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA. BLACK SWAN OUT.

sleepy kitty meowwww

the past few days have been very tiring. on tuesday we did a tour of musee d'orsay which was freaking early in the morning. its hard here bc you actually have to give yourself time to commute places. even if something isnt until 10 i have to be up at 8 in order to get ready and be there on time. after the museum we had some free time and my friends and i went to scavenge for noms in the big city. we found this place called MEZZO DI PASTA and let me tell you its great. its super cheap and really filling which is very rare here. then we met up for another api excursion to go ice skating. you may have seen some pics. it was a bit of a shit show so we peaced out after twenty minutes or so to avoid further embarrassment. we just decided to walk around the area to do some shopping. ive found a couple stores i really like and will probably end up buying clothes from when the weather gets warmer. that night we decided to go out (after hitting up a  brief happy hour at our new spot beho). we went to le marais which is the gayborhood to this bar called RAIDD. bahahahahhaha. we made friends with a model on the way there when she helped us with directions. in paris, fag hags arent really a thing i think. the gays arent as welcoming to females. however my girls and i just proved them wrong and we ended up having a blast. somebody had more than a blast though. lets just say none of us made it to the catacombes or the tour of the 5th the next morning. for our own separate reasons. mine being that i thought i was going to die if i moved off my couch. we all met up though for a late lunch (read 2pm). we decided on subway. best. decision. ever. it was amazing. then we went to the champs elysees for some touristing. it was freezing though so that didnt last long. all of us have been dragging a little. i myself have a cold which is really great when your nose starts to spout on the metro and you have nothing but your scarf to sop it up. today we finally got our class assignments and i placed in advanced. thats good for me bc im more likely to get credit that way. i was afraid i would place in intermediate and basically get no credit for this semester. we decided to do the catacombes after lunch to see what we had missed. i was really pissed off though bc i had to pay full price bc i didnt have proof of age. 26 and under got in for half off. i wanted to rip the ladys weave off. why would a 27 year old be hanging out with a bunch of 20 year olds. i dont even look like im that old. but bitch was well....a fucking bitch. that ruined the catacombes a little bit for me today. i will say though that they would be worth it for 4 euro (not fucking 8). we headed back to api for a cheese tasting. there is such a thing as too much cheese BTW. then of course we hit up happy hour again. its a must do. my new fav is called a monaco and its basically beer mixed with raspberry and something else and it tastes like juice. dangerous. we only had one though bc we were all dragging. my first day of classes is tomorrow so i hope that it goes well. with my luck they will tell me they messed up and ill be bumped down to elementary. my french is usually a million times better when im a little turpsy though. pregaming class tomorrow?

a cultural orientation

so basically im still not doing anything school related and im just doing orientation activities. its not as bad as orientation at wm but its still....rough. the meetings last about 2 hours and its just power point. for. the. whole. time. todays was about culture shock. not to sound like a snob but ive travelled enough where i know what the fuck culture shock is. anddddddddddddd i dont wanna hear about it anymore. after that march towards death i met up with my dads friend meeja for lunch and some shopping. i picked up the shirts for my dad per his request (one light blue with french cuffs and one purple more casual) we also ate korean food which was surprisingly OK. ive been having a sore throat and some nasal dripdrop and it sucks butthole. as some of you know (rachel) im usually really nauseous in the morning when im tired which is why i dont ever eat brekkie. but since brekkie is included i feel obligated. but it makes my nausea a little worse. and on top of all that the really sexy thing i got going on in my sinuses right now just magnifies the situation further. so i went home and on the way stopped at a pharmacy to get some meds.  my academic french is pretty good but trying to explain what my issue was in order to receive the best meds was a little hard. thankfully the lady at the counter was really nice and helpful and i ended up with some lozenges and a little nasal spray that smells like australia in my nose since its made with eucalyptus. i also ventured to do some laundry today at the local lavette because mme's washing machine is CASSSSSEEEEEEEEEE (broken). i was pretty nervous and no surprise i had no idea what the fuck i was doing. thankfully there was a chinese couple there that i asked for help. they were super nice to me and helped me out with everything. i will say it was a little awk arranging my delicates around bc im pretty sure some creeper was staring and the others were judging.  they can just kiss my lacy thong butt though bc im not about to have no vp up in this joint. thankfully none of my clothes were ruined and i was home in perfect time for another marvelous dinner at home. today we talked about crazy ppl she knows. everyday is an adventure when speaking with mme. the other day i think we were talking about the plight of the elderly. ive learned that shes extremely relaxed and willing to even let friends stay over sometimes both over night and for dinner. this is great since teepsy is coming to see me soon. were gonna spoon. im trying to plan some trips around europe so if any ppl have suggestions of places they think are a must do let me know!

I need this crepe in my mouth right MEOW.

so even though my last post was only a couple days ago, so much has happened. after i finished my last post i was feeling a bit down because i hadnt heard from anyone to go out. i was gonna go to bed but then they called and said they were having some wine in the dorms. the losers had been sitting doing nothing while i fretted away. i trekked out there and we all decided to go back to chatelet. we stayed there all night. it ended up being a rather special night. i wouldnt say princess peach status but a whole different level. im not going to go into details but if youre dying to know just send me an email bc im not trying to advertise my lack of basic human functions to the whole world. we ended making some friends who attempted to help us get home. nevertheless my friends steph and serena and i didnt make it back until around 730 in the morning. it sucks that the metro closes so early. you have to either figure out the night bus which is a nightmare as i later found out or you stick it out until 6 when the metros reopen. the only plus side is that by the time i was getting home the boulangeries were open so i grabbed a pain au chocolat for a little brekkie. i woke up super late the next day. i felt really bad bc i didnt eat the breakfast that mme marchand-maillet left for me but she was cool about it. shes probably the most relaxed host mom ever. we had a night tour of the louvre and that was really beautiful. our tour guide for the trip (frederique) is so cute. shes this tiny little french woman and she is just adorable. we also went to the circus and it was a fucking freak show. plus it was THREE HOURS LONG. too much. the most entertaining part was that it was just so ridiculous. they had a singing tightrope walker who was rocking some serious back fat. i thought i was gonna take it easy after having such a late night before, but i ended up being out until 630 AGAIN. i tried to take the noctilien (night bus) but it just did not work and i ended up getting on the metro when it opened. today we had a nice little tour of montmarte. i didnt know this but the stop for montmarte is the deepest subway in paris. aka i walked up 23095729385928347 flights of stairs then walked up more stairs since montmarte is a hill. if im not in shape by the time i get back im going to slice someone. im meeting up with my dads friend tomorrow to buy him some dress shirts. im basically just his bitch while im here picking stuff up for him. im going to get some rest tonight. currently debating going to this bar where they are playing the super bowl. its essential since im such a huge sports person.

Week One: If you want to eat healthy...eat EGYPTIAN!

i was debating making a blog, and since none of you guys responded to my Thailand emails.... SO HERE IS MY FIRST VENTURE INTO BLOGDOMMMMMMMM. how thrilling. if youre new to the hoge narrative i dont really dig correct grammar or stuff like that. get used to it. if you dont like it dont read it. BACK TO DA STORY. sooo arrived in paris to grey skies. so parisian. it was also cold as balls. i lugged my shit literally all the way across CDG because i arrived on the opposite side of the meeting point. got picked up by one of my program directors melissa and two other girls came. for the first couple days we were at the hotel citadines in the 1st arrondissement which is a "hip" area...hahahahah. we did a seine boat tour where i froze to death. that night i went out with a few friends. we wanted to have a casual night in a quiet bar and it ended up being a blackout shit show. first of all we ate dinner. being students we wanted a cheap option. i remembered this place we passed earlier that was egyptian and had 5euro sandwiches. turns out thats only for lunch so it was like 10 euro meals instead. i felt so bad bc my other friends seem to be trying to really stick to a budget. they got like miniature salads....that ended up being a great way to get drunk. basically the restaurant was ridiculous. i ordered what i thought was a vegetarian platter and it ended up being like egyptian hamburger helper. the chef came out and talked to us and was like IF YOU WANT TO EAT HEALTHY EAT EGYPTIAN!!! and he was just talking up this place so much and im pretty sure we were just laughing in his face...how rude. then we started drinking at this place called hideout bar where it was so awkward and we ended up leaving after one drink. i had thought some ppl were leaving a table so we went and sat down. turns out they werent so we were all just crammed in with them. INCONFORTABLE!!!! so we moved to this place that is literally right next to the API center and it turned out to be a hidden gem. it had happy hour until ELEVEN PM. pints were 3,50 and cocktails were 4,50 which in paris is so cheap. they also turned out to have karaoke. it was beautiful...i actually could sing along with some of the songs..ahahha good thing im such a big Dalida fan (for those of you who arent raised by a gay father dalida is the french cher) we had an EXCELLENT time at that place i think its called beho. we made besties with the waiter. we then made our way back to hideout for some reason and had a few more drinks there. we then decided it would be an excellent idea to go to a gay club called banana cafe....bahahahah so much euphemism there. at banana cafe we were all in a really good place which ended up in my chi o friend kate collapsing in the foyer (we still got in) and me making sweet love to the tranny belly dancer (it turned out to be oriental night). i told her that i loved her and that she was magnifique! something about the trannys makes me CRAZAY. then we got late night crepes. i have NO clue what i got in mine but it was beautiful and made me cry. perfect drunk food. next morning we all moved into our respective abodes for the semester. it was a ROUGH day. its hard to lug suitcases when you are hungover and sweating profusely. i am living with a mme marchand-maillet. she lives in the 13th arrondissement which is CHINA TOWNNNN if you didnt know its also chinese new year which means firecrackers and parties everywhere. she lives alone with her cat timon who is very  much like a dog. she has a son and a daughter who are both older. her daughter has her own daughter who is actually staying here tonight. shes only about 5 i think. SO ADORABLEEEEE. she was talking about clowns who "fait du peepee tout nus" that means the clowns pee naked...hahahaha i have no idea where that came from but it cracked my shit up. today i took my placement test. i think it went ok but who knows. i think i placed intermediate but i hope advanced to have fewer troubles with getting credit out of this bullshiz. later this evening we went to the louvre for a tour. it wasnt that enjoyable seeing as my arm was about to fall off from carrying my laptop and my feet were on fire. i plan on going back and pretending to be british so i can get in for free. ill have to watch some accent tutorials online..hahaha. unsure for my plans for the evening but seeing as its almost 1030 i might just pass out. im a creature of the night.